There are no two words in the English language more harmful than “Let Go”. Let’s face it, ayaw natin bitawan yung mga tao’t bagay na mahahalaga sa ating buhay (We never wanna let go of the significant people and things in our lives). But, as my brother would say, “It be like that sometimes”. I’m sorry, but it’s time for me to let go. I know, it hurts, but there is a reason for the pain even though I can’t seem to understand it right now. Slowly, but surely, I gotta start decluttering and detaching myself from the people and things that matter, or should I say, mattered.
DENIAL and ACCEPTANCE
I still don’t believe it. I can’t take the fact that you and I have to go our separate ways. Just the thought of not seeing you anymore hurts. I know you don’t see nor feel my affection, but trust me, it was there all this time you and I knew each other. And that was my biggest mistake right there. This affection I had was more than enough for you to drive yourself away from me. I know it was subtle and indirect, but I could sense the messages of resentment, rejection and fear written all over your face. Honestly, it still pains me to see us have this misunderstanding, and I catch myself denying the way it all ended. However, as troubled as I am right now, I’m finally at peace with all the things I’ve done, as well as the responses you gave me during our final moments together. I’ve come to accept the things I can’t change anymore. As much as I wanna ask God to reverse time for me to correct my past wrongs, I’m not doing myself a favor of just enjoying life for what it is and what it gives me every single day. If I just continue regretting my past wrongdoings, I’m not letting you, me and everyone else live. So moving on does not just mean deleting all the pics I had with you on my phone. On the contrary, I go back to them once in a while so I can occasionally crack a smile on my face. So the true meaning of moving on includes being excited for you and the future plans God’s got in store for you. That truly is the mark of a man who has moved on with full acceptance without any regrets whatsoever. I can honestly say I’m miles away from that guy, but I’m getting there, slowly but surely.
FEAR and REASSURANCE
I know I got the closure I wanted and needed, but I still feel the scars of the past hurting me right now. You see, it’s not about you anymore. Like I said, I’ve accepted that we must move forward without each other. It’s more about being fearful that I go through the same experiences I had back then over and over again to the people I’m about to meet in the next stages of my life. It honestly scares me. The trauma of yesterday’s pain kinda paralyzes me to make a move with this next person, or that next girl, you name it. When it comes to future career decisions, I feel this similar fear as well. What if they don’t hire me? What if I’m not really a perfect fit for this organization? What if my officemates neglect me? All that bad stuff. I know I sound like a huge pessimist, but these the many forms of self-doubt I’ve been feeling lately. My inner conscience and God’s answer to that: YOU’LL BE AYT BECAUSE I GOT YOU!! This reassurance I get from unknown but powerful sources are what keep me going right now as I continue navigating my way through this life. These calming words remind me to keep moving forward, even if it means repeating my mistakes or making new ones later on. How quickly I to forget that we are all human after all, meaning we are pretty much bound to mess up at least once in our lives? So don’t cry because it ended, but smile because it happened. Don’t fear you’ll make the same mistakes again, look forward, because you will make the same mistakes. But this time, all our wrongs will be worth it, just like last time. We just haven’t realized that yet. It was one helluva ride putting my focus on you. How I wish you would’ve put that same focus on me. But now, it’s time for us to carry on and focus on ourselves and our own dreams.